Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hold On

I know; its been a whole week. I've been finding it very difficult to post lately. Lots of things have been happening; nothing cute and narrative unfortunately. The things that have been happening for the last week have a lot to do with Kristina's realization that she is leaving in less than 3 weeks. Its hard for me to relate these events because I am having trouble sorting through them myself.

She fights with all of us more lately. I think its her coping mechanism. She knows that she is leaving. Her days are numbered and I think she is trying to concretely learn once and for all if we love her. I cannot promise her that we will come for her, so she's trying to compensate in her own way. Its as if she is pushing us to see if we will love her even when she pushes. Strangely, God equipt us for this back on June 24th before the pushing truely began. I try to keep this in mind as holding the line becomes more and more tiring. I worry that this will always be a struggle with her. Will she always question the depth of our love even if she joins our family permanately? I try to think of God's passionate, pursuing love for His children. Have we not doubted our own God who sacrificed His own Son for us? Have we not wrestled with Him when we've questioned our standing in His sight? So I try to hold her tighter spiritually as she struggles with us, against us, for us. I know that once she is gone, I will long for her: the silly dancing Kristina who has no rhythm, the pouting moody Kristina who is impatient, the girly kind Kristina who will paint her summer sister's toes , and the struggling hurting Kristina who needs to know that she is wanted. For now, all I can do is hold on.

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